Knowing The Flows of Time
by Nym13
Summary: There is no greater pain than knowing. Barry travels back in time to save his mum, that single event is the catalyst that allows him to have a life with Caitlin he never expected he'd want. but could he truly fight destiny when he knows they were never meant to be? R&R, inspired by the hints and trailers for the season finale.


**An:** I've had this sitting unfinished since the spoiler of the kiss, when we still didn't know what it was about but then, people started theorising that it was a meta-Barry and I lost the need to write it. But I thought before the finale I'd finish it today, just as a treat to my fellow Snowbarry shippers!

You guys don't know me, but I know you...hahaha. More power to you guys and never give up... Our ships don't need a canon to sail (totally ripped that off from 101 reasons to ship harmony). Enjoy and remember this is AU, and the assumptions with Barry's parents and his life is just something I made up.

 **Summary:** There is no greater pain than knowing. Barry travels back in time and gains a life with Caitlin he never expected he'd want. But could he truly fight destiny when he knows they were never meant to be.

Warning: You might se errors, i don't have a beta and am too lazy to proofread.

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Knowing The Flows of Time

by: Nym13

...

..

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She's beautiful. Barry thinks as he watches Caitlin slowly walking down the invisible aisle. Her smile was almost transcendent, he could sense her struggling with her excitement as she tries to contain the impulse to run and keep it in a bubble tucked inside the prison of her heart, her better judgement serving as the guard.

He couldn't blame her.

This wedding has been long overdue. She was always meant to be here. In that simple white dress, and in this place, in this moment, where she's close enough for him to see her smiles.

She was always meant to wed Ronnie.

 _'How many times do you make the same mistakes...'_ Eobard's words kept ringing in his ears. It was a plague, an unwanted sickness...the knowledge that in so many realities he had failed to make the right choice. He had always went with the whispers of his heart, he always had to do what he wanted. He finally understood. Eobard was right, he just kept messing up.

He sighs deeply and allows his lids to drop. In a split second blink that allowed a single wisp of tear to roll down the angles of his cheek was a memory so poignant as that last kiss. That last kiss which will always be engrained in his memory. His secret.

One second was all it took for him to reminisce. He was the flash, so far away while everyone else remained standing still. It was a comforting solace, this knowledge that he could always run.

He saved his mum. That's right, Barry Allen fulfilled his life mission he saved his mum.

And it changed everything.

Iris still remained his first crush his first love...she was always his morning star, that guided him, that was always there, bright and beautiful, and yet so far away.

She was his first heartache still, as she continues to see him as her surrogate brother.

Barry's father kept his job because he never went to prison. He wanted to be just like him, a doctor, and have a chance at a normal life. He went to a top college and got in with a scholarship even though he didn't need one. It was awkward at first everyone referred to him as Dr. Allen's son, it was almost nerve wracking, wondering if he'll ever catch up to his father's reputation, much less precede it. He majored in Physics, and Iris kept teasing him about his geekiness. But he took it in stride and told her that he wanted to work in Star Labs, Iris rolled her eyes and said, "You could get in there, without doing all this work." and he shrugged and said that he needed to be someone truly qualified. And he talked more about his plans for his thesis paper while Iris pretended to listen, but he appreciated it because even though science wasn't her language she still tried to show she cared.

A week before Barry's graduation he got an offer from Star Labs. A day after he got his diploma he went with his father to his work, all suited up, but he kept on readjusting his red tie while his father smiled as he drove their car.

"Trust me Barry, it isn't the tie that's making you uncomfortable." His dad says and Barry sighs, "Don't worry about it son, you'll do great." His dad tells him as he parks the car and they go on separate ways. Barry navigates his way in the familiar corridors his father's colleagues greeting him as he passed by. They knew him as a boy, will they now know him as a respectable co-worker? His palms starts to sweat and get all clammy.

He had an interview with Doctor Wells, Barry reminded himself, and he was going to nail it, that Barry sincerely doubts.

He rounds up the corner and the sight surprises him. A girl dressed in a white dress shirt and creame pencil skirt was sitting at one of the outside chairs. Her auburn hair was tied back in a neat and low ponytail and her head was bent down as she poured over her notes hastily flicking through various files. She also kept pushing her black square glasses up her nose, as she bit her bottom lip.

Her face masked in pure concentration. The sight made his heart skip a beat. He didn't expect to see her there.

Caitlin...Caitlin Snow. His mind tells him.

Barry smiles.

It was the first time he saw her, and just like before...she didn't smile much.

Among all the applicants only Barry and Caitlin got in. Being the new recruits they mostly worked together and trained together. He noticed she was very grounded on her work, reserved and professional and she never untied her hair. He eyes her desk filled with color coded post-it's and her leather bound planner in display. He waits until she goes to the bathroom and picks up the planner.

He scanned to a page and realized that Caitlin had everything mapped up in the day even down to her bathroom breaks. And he smiles, finally understanding what Caitlin had meant about her being uptight before Ronnie.

He looked around and realized Cisco wasn't here yet, and he hasn't heard of Ronnie Raymond's name circulating in the halls, so he must not be here either. And he misses the Caitlin he knew and working in near silence every single day was driving him crazy. He needed to feel like he was still interacting with a feeling and breathing human being. Not just robots. And the way he interacted with Caitlin well he could say she was now a few steps away from becoming the bionic woman.

Someone had to be the catalyst, be the one to break her layer of ice. Barry guesses that someone needed to be him. He plucks a yellow post-it off her supply and hastily scribbles down a note. He plasters it on top her planner, crossing his fingers, and hoping for the best.

 _'Have dinner with me Dr. Snow, tonight. ~Barry'_

He was drinking a cup of coffee when he hears the quick and purposeful pitter patter of Caitlin's heels.

"What's this?" She says, and Barry swivels his chair to face her. She had donned on an intimidating look on her face, her tone businesslike and a frown dressing her forehead.

"I'm pretty sure you can read Dr. Snow." He teases her and she crosses her arms.

"If this is some kind of a joke Dr. Allen-"

"Barry." He corrects her and this caught her off guard and she pauses and cocks an eyebrow at him.

"So, have dinner with me? Or do you have plans?" He looks at her hopefully.

"What is the purpose of this invite?" She asks him and Barry plasters a grin. There was hope for her after all.

"Oh don't worry, it's a friendly dinner." He tells her and she bites her lip again and Barry knows she's mulling it over, thinking of what to say. He hopes she'll say yes.

"Alright, where do you have in mind? If you say fast food then forget it." She tells him and Barry laughs.

"No nothing that juvenile," Barry pauses, he's grasping at straws now, taking a leap of faith and stealing Ronnie's notes, "How does Indian food sound?" She looks skeptical, "How about Chinese? We'll try Indian food next time, I've got to research about their menu first." Caitlin told him, she said the last part almost like an afterthought and Barry grins. Because at least Caitlin is considering a next time.

"What?" She asks him, looking at him inquiringly and Barry shakes his head.

"Nothing, Chinese sounds perfect." And they went to dinner that night and it was lovely. He started to get to know Caitlin like every person does. By being friends and laughing over dinner. Their simple working relationship grew into a comfortable friendship and it made work easier since. Caitlin was smiling more. Until one day she came into the lab, with a frown on her face and her hair let down.

"What happened to you?" He asks her and Caitlin sighs as she drops her bag on her desk.

"I couldn't find my hair tie. I've always got a stack prepared because I kept loosing them. But this morning I found out I've completely run out of them. Thankfully I had this lone rubber band. But then it broke. And I was running late. I rushed to get a cup of coffee but too many people were lining up the queue and again I was running late. So I didn't get coffee. And my hair is all over the place." Barry laughs, because now that they actually talked Caitlin ends up as a loquacious worry wart.

The next day he buys her a cup of coffee from jitters and sticks a note in it.

 _'You look good with your hair down Caitlin. Take your caffein.~Barry'_

When Caitlin sees the note she smiles and sips the coffee, while Barry looks on. She glances at him then.

"Thanks for this Barry, but this isn't the coffee I like."

"Really, well what kind do you drink?" He asks her curiously and she smiles mischievously.

"Why don't you buy me a different cup everyday until you get it right?" She challenged him and Barry nods his head.

"Your on, Dr. Snow."

He's not sure if it's his note that does it, but Caitlin has taken the habit of wearing her hair down. Maybe she just grew too tired to care. That's not the only thing new, Barry has also taken the habit of buying an extra cup of coffee for Caitlin, maybe it's the bet they had, but even after he got it right, it became almost instinctual.

Their own little routine.

Cisco drops in almost a year later and so does Ronnie, and the four settle into a comfortable friendship. Ronnie flirts with Caitlin, Barry notices but she seemed too oblivious, while Cisco sniggers in the background of it all.

"Can I drive you home Dr. Snow.?" Ronnie asked Caitlin one night, and both Barry and Cisco listens in. Even if they both know it's completely unethical to eavesdrop.

"I think you would know that I have a car Mr. Raymond." Caitlin tells him.

"Of course, I knew that. How about some pizza, it'll be fun to have some company over dinner?" Caitlin stops with her work and looks at Ronnie, while Ronnie smiles at her quite handsomely.

"I'm sorry Ronnie, I really need to finish this work. How about you ask Barry or Cisco? I'll try to catch up with you guys if I finish with work. Or maybe next time we could all go together."Caitlin offers, Barry could feel Ronnie's disappointment and he smiles softly to himself. The whole scene reminds him strongly of his current position in Iris' love life...nonexistent.

"Yeah, sure. Barry, Cisco you guys want to grab a beer and pizza with me?" Cisco agrees to spare the bloke of the embarrassment but Barry declines, citing work while Caitlin remains oblivious.

The moment they're gone, Barry decides to push Caitlin into the right direction. He navigates his way towards her and grabs the seat from across Caitlin and plops down on it.

"You know, you could give him a chance." Caitlin stops reading her files and looks at him quite puzzled.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know Ronnie, he was flirting with you." Barry tells her pointedly and Caitlin laughs and shakes her head.

"He was not flirting with me. He's only being friendly." She tells him simply and Barry shakes his head fondly.

"Caitlin, I'm a guy, I think I could tell if another bloke flirts with a girl he likes." Caitlin pauses then, and looks at him apprehensively.

"Are you saying, Ronnie likes me?" Barry smiles and nods his head.

"Yes, I am positive."

"How can you be sure?"

"I just know, okay." He tells her, because he did know. Barry knows that they even get engage on some alternate timeline. But he does not tell her that. He keeps it to himself.

"Why would he like me?" Caitlin asks him and Barry smiles at her.

"Why wouldn't he Cait? You're smart, funny, and attractive. You're quite the catch Dr. Snow." Seeing the puzzled look on her face, Barry pressed on "Didn't you date in high school?"

"Actually no. In high school I was busy trying to earn a scholarship to a good college and at college I was busy trying to keep that scholarship. I couldn't afford to have a distraction. And that's what relationships would do, hinder me from reaching my goals, it wasn't worth the risk, investing all your time in something so unpredictable." Barry's mouth opened in wonder, in complete astonishment, because he never knew Caitlin was this focus and coordinated, never knew just how high her walls were built around her heart. Ronnie must have really been a great guy to rescue her from the prison she built for herself. No wonder she loved him so much.

"Well, you don't have a scholarship now, and you've reached your goals. Take a leap Caitlin." Caitlin bites her lower lip again and Barry is automatically drawn to the way her teeth presses upon the soft beds of her lower lip.

"Barry, how do women dress to capture the attention of men?" Caitlin shyly asks him, her cheeks reddening and he laughs at her. He steals one of her post-its and writes down a number.

"I think it's time you get a social life and have an actual girl friend." He tells her and hands her the note, Caitlin takes it curiously, "That's Iris' number, my bestfriend. She works part-time at Jitters. Why don't you drop by, she's been dying to meet you." Caitlin says her thanks and Barry thinks he's done a pretty good job.

He didn't realize how good a jobs he's done when Caitlin walks in three days later, her brown auburn hair curled, and wearing a simple but snug knee length dress. She didn't look at him when she entered. Barry finds himself staring at her, he shouldn't be surprised he knows Caitlin was always well dressed back in his original timeline. Feminine and elegant had always been her style, but he's been used to seeing her in slacks and simple button up blouses now that he's forgotten how good she looks in a black dress. He pushes off from his seat and heads towards her table and hands her the coffee she likes so much. She smiles at him and takes his offered hot drink, as she reaches out, Barry caught sight of her red nail polish and it unsettles something inside him.

"You look good. I heard you and Iris are friends now." He managed to stutter out, but Caitlin smiles at him quite pleased.

"Yes we are. And thank you. What do you think of the dress? It isn't too dressy for work, is it?" Caitlin asks her and Barry shakes his head.

"Uhm, no...I'm pretty sure Ronnie would approve."

"Oh, well...I guess that's good. Thanks Barry."

"Any time Caitlin." Barry gives her one last smile and goes back to work. Cisco walks in ten minutes later and wolf whistles at Caitlin good-naturely, "Going somewhere Caitlin, or coming from somewhere?" Cisco asks and Caitlin rolls her eyes and tells him to shut up. Ronnie walks in five minutes after Cisco does and he does a double take at Caitlin. And as Barry peered through the microscope he listens in to Ronnie asking Caitlin out for lunch and he isn't surprise that this time she catches on and says yes.

Caitlin and Ronnie sure took careful steps in dating each other,they didn't rushed and Barry wonders if it was because of Caitlin's reservations. But he sees everything the stolen looks, the subtle way Ronnie steals her hands and the way Caitlin whispers to his ears in a private conversation.

He doesn't want to admit it but seeing them together stirs something inside him, something akin to slight jealousy that had always been them, even bak when he was in his original timeline. Maybe it's because they just seem to have that kind of love he wishes for. The forever kind. Because, it just wouldn't make sense for him to be jealous of Ronnie, because he certainly didn't see Caitlin in that way, she was just a friend.

He begins to doubt that resolve when Caitlin asks to talk to him about a private matter and invites him to her house. They settle into her sofa with steaming hot coco between them. All the while Barry notices how Caitlin was bruising her lower lip with her incessant biting.

"Come on, tell me what's bothering you?" Caitlin sighs and decides to drop her mug on a coaster and looked at Barry seriously.

"You're the only one I trust to have this conversation with, so you better not laugh at me. I am completely serious." Barry nods his head and blows into his cup before taking a sip of the hot coco.

"What do guys like in bed?" Suddenly he's torn between spitting out his drink or having it burn his throat. He chokes on it instead and Caitlin pats his back awkwardly.

"What? Uhm... Do you mean like sex?" And Caitlin nods her cheeks turning more crimson by the second and Barry finds it amusing that she looks so embarrassed.

"Yes! I already talk to Iris about it, she's made really good suggestions but I wanted to get a guy's perspective before I do this."

"Oh, well...are you like a virgin or something?" Barry asks apprehensively hoping that Caitlin wasn't offended. And Caitlin blushes deeper and he knows that, yes she is.

"Oh, wow! I didn't expect that...I- uhm... What did Iris tell you?"

"Well she told me to buy a really cute lingerie, black or red you know...have everything wax...which you probably didn't need to know...have really clean and silky sheets, and that I should probably ask him to head back to my apartment after a really nice and romantic dinner. Is there more?" And Barry was beyond embarrassed as he sat there shock. Because honestly even though Iris had boyfriends before, they never talked about this.

"Well...I think you should just enjoy it and be participative. You know it feels nice if the person you're doing it wants you as much as you want them. Try not to be shy, but only do it if you're ready. I mean it is your first time and everything. Just wow, more than two decades, who were you saving it for?" And Caitlin shrugs, "I don't know really, I guess I never had the time." And to ease the tension Barry tells him about his first time with a girl who was his senior and how horrified he was of being compared to her previous lovers. And Caitlin tells him the story of how she proposed to her science teacher when she was eight, because she thought she was in love.

It must have been all those talks of sex and the fact that it's been awhile since his last dalliance, but he dreams of Caitlin biting her lip in a black lingerie asking him to take her virginity. It was a dream that made him feel like he was fourteen again when sex seemed more romanticized, like it was making love than simple motions of pleasure. It was the first time he dreamed of Caitlin in that way, and he was ashamed that he woke up being hard. It was his first time, but certainly not his last.

Barry didn't know if Caitlin and Ronnie ever did it but they seemed closer as days progressed and he finds himself staring at her when he's not working on his corner, Caitlin as always suspects nothing but Cisco does.

"You're too slow Barry, you could have gotten the girl." And he pretends he didn't hear, because even though he's not sure if he's fallen for Caitlin, he sure as hell knows he feels some thing for her.

He celebrates Christmas with his family and he invites his new friends to celebrate at their home, but only Cisco makes it because Ronnie and Caitlin was away to visit Ronnie's family.

They come back just before New Years though, but only Caitlin, and not Ronnie. She tells them it's because Ronnie wants to spend New Year with his family too, but Barry knows something was up. So he corners her at Star Lab's annual New Year's party at some five star hotel's roof deck. He had to catch his breath because the long-sleeved red lace dress with the back-less back was absolutely beautiful on Caitlin, especially with her red lipstick and gatsby-styled curls.

"Are you alright, and don't tell me your fine because you hadn't smiled since you came back from your trip without Ronnie?" She looks at him then in surprise, "How do you know I haven't smiled?" He smiles at her then as if he was telling her the most obvious thing in the world.

"I'm your friend Caitlin and I see you."

"Ronnie asked me to move in with him," she tells him and he's caught off-guard, " I said no and we got into a fight. He said he loved me and I told him we were moving too fast. He thought we needed a break because it seemed as if I wasn't as serious about us as he was." As her friend he really should be sad for her, but he could help but feel his heart beating faster wondering if he could have a chance. He's a selfish git, he knows, but he's only human not a bloody saint, and he couldn't control his emotions.

He was about to tell her, that it was alright that he was there for her and that she needs not feel guilty because it was her first serious relationship after all, but then everyone around them was looking at the digital clock and beginning the count down to midnight. For a moment both their attentions were stolen by the crowd as everyone counted in unison.

 _Ten...nine...eight_

Barry grabs Caitlin's hands as he navigated them against the crowd and closer towards the edge to get a better view of the impending fireworks display.

 _Seven...six..five_

Caitlin trips a little on her heels and he bends down to help her put her shoe back on.

 _Four...three...two_

She looks down on him and he gazes back up at her. He notices the way the cold night air sweeps and tangles against her and he knows he saw her shiver against the cold.

 **One!**

In one swift moment he snakes his arm arounds her waist and pulls her towards him, his other hands traces her jaw and cups her chin in a swift movement meant to drag her into a deep searing kiss.

Barry hears her muffled cry even with the sound of fireworks exploding and people shouting around him. He even hears his conscience berating him for his callous thoughtless act. He knows he was wrong to do so, he knew at the first second he kissed her. But it felt so right and he allows himself to be selfish and greedy. It's done already he cannot take it back he has no super powers at this time yet and he could not undo it.

Might as well make the most of it.

What a twisted logic and practice of worse judgement.

But he feels Caitlin shift and respond to the kiss and he's distracted again and for what seems like an eternity the kissed seemed to drag on, but someone calls for both their names and the pull apart.

"Hey guys!" Cisco says as he arrived beside them, seeing their face both flustered, Cisco grins and asks, "I'm not interrupting anything am I?" And Barry adamantly shakes his head..."No, of course not, Happy New Year, Caitlin...Cisco, uhm...I have to go now...see you on Monday? Bye!" He stutters out and does not wait for their answers before he rushes out of there like a man fleeing a burning building.

Barry thinks he's barely made it out of the building alive but he knows, come Monday and he would be dead.

Barry was prepared for a confrontation on Monday, but surprisingly a talk with Caitlin never came because Ronnie came back. And Barry has never been so happy for it. It seemed that Ronnie and Caitlin were on good terms again and for that he was sad.

But there were moments when he catches Caitlin's eye and she seemed to study his every movements now, and was even a little colder. As days progressed he wishes they could have that inevitable talk because he missed talking normally to her again. She made her feel like a stranger.

But as months rolled in, Barry wonders if Caitlin has all but forgotten the kiss and dismissed it as an old New Years tradition because she has been talking with him again. She even asked him to help shop for Ronnie's Valentine's gift, which he did willingly in an attempt to silently make amends with her.

Their closeness might also be attributable to the fact that they were now allowed to participate in the development of the particle accelerator which he knew they would complete in a few more years because there was no Eobard Thawne to speed up the process.

They all settled into a state normalcy where they were all friends and great working team, until six months later Ronnie talked to him and Cisco that he wanted to propose to Caitlin. And it hit him like lighting; the realization that he would never find out what it would be like to be with Caitlin.

But he kept up pretenses, smiled, congratulated Ronnie and wished him luck. Because he has known it was always Caitlin and Ronnie, why had he hoped otherwise? Besides he was...is in love with Iris.

But just as he thought Caitlin and Ronnie would finally tie down the knot, it seemed that time wasn't on their side, because Caitlin never wore the ring and Ronnie was saying his goodbyes.

Ronnie was offered a job at Starling City, he thought it was great opportunity and was telling them that he was going to take it.

To say the Barry was surprised was an understatement, he was bloody freaking out. It didn't seem to make sense. If Caitlin was sad she didn't show it and during Ronnie's last days with them she was very amicable towards him. But everyone knew, something change. They were afraid to ask, but it was clear their relationship was over.

Barry decided to buy some Chinese take-out and ambush her at her home.

Needlessly to say, Caitlin couldn't refuse to let him in when he saw her in front her door with his grey hoodie and carrying food. Caitlin didn't speak until dinner was over, because honestly, she could no longer pretend she was far too busy to talk.

"Why didn't you say yes?" Barry asks, because he has been mulling it over for days and he knows just knows that that's the reason why Ronnie had left. They were done.

"Because he deserves the truth. That I can't marry him, I don't love him enough to not remember that I'm not ready."

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you kiss me on New Year's eve?" Caitlin stutterers out and Barry is taken aback, "And don't tell me it was tradition it's was far too friendly and I'm smarter than that." Caitlin adds and Barry sighs. Because he knew this was coming, and he could no longer lie.

"Because I wanted to kiss you. I like you Dr. Caitlin Snow, I like you as more than a friend." Caitlin looks at him then, her eyes bordering to that of anger and disbelief.

"And you suddenly realized this when Ronnie and I were on shaky grounds?"

"What? Of course not, I respected you both too much. You are my friend, granted it may not look like that but I have no intention of taking advantage of you. You're too important for that Cait." He tells her honestly and she crosses her arms.

"I need to tell you something," She begins and he nods his head to allow her to continue, "The reason I declined Ronnie's proposal was because I didn't fully love him, I mean I could have if I wasn't constantly looking over my shoulder thinking about you." Barry's heart pounded in his chest as he listened to Caitlin vocalized exactly what he has been feeling as well. He wasn't imagining it after all, the intention between them was real.

"What I'm trying to say is that I think I like you too. I feel there's something there, brewing between the two of us, and I couldn't get married knowing that." Barry reaches for her hand then and she allows him to take it. He runs his thumb against the smooth back of her hand and she stares at it almost transfixed at his simple motions.

"I don't know if it's too soon," Barry almost whispers, "But I want you to know that I'm falling for you. I don't know when it started maybe it was always there, but was desperate to ignore it. I just want you to know that because you might have noticed but I have the knack of being late." And that earns a laugh from Caitlin and Barry smiles as well.

"Yes you are, and you're slow too, I can't believe you didn't realized I liked you back too, even before Ronnie." Barry draws her hand to his lips and places a kiss on her knuckles. Her brown eyes stares at him and he locks it with his own green gaze.

"I'll wait for you until you're ready." And Caitlin smiles grateful for his understanding and knowing instinctively all that was left unspoken between them.

It took three months before they finally decided to go on a date and give each other a chance. And Barry was grateful for that time which allowed him to re-evaluate his feelings for Iris as well. Who has been his love for almost fifteen years. He realized that his feeling of being in love was nothing but an attachment to all their memories and the fact that he has never had a closure between them, he was bound to move on from it. He just didn't realized that he has done so even before Caitlin. Meeting Caitlin just made it all official. After all he's one who doesn't move on easily...until finally he does.

It hasn't been all sunshine and daisies as he and Caitlin had the occasional couple fights. But at the end of the day they worked great together and his father adores her and is best friends with his mum.

She's one he could easily talk to about everything, be a geek with since Iris never did understand his fascination with science, she's funny and adorable at times which can be quite a surprise because she's seems so tightly wound on the exterior. And what can he say, he just compliments her and always manages to put a smile on his face even when he's down.

After two years of dating they had tied the knot. And he would always remember that day, remember seeing her walked down a red carpeted aisle in that ivory dress with a veil over her face in a quaint white church, because his mum simply insists on a church wedding and they had the luxury of time to print the invites.

She was so beautiful and though he never expected it _(because it seemed to go against the will of destiny that he be with her)_ Barry Allen never regretted marrying Caitlin Snow.

But despite their happy times together, he knew, knew that it was about to change, that fate was coming back to take from him all of his dues.

A few years after their blissful marriage the particle accelerator was completed, but it too blew up as expected. Barry Allen was struck by lightning which granted him his super-human speed, like he was always meant to, but a dear price.

Dr. Caitlin Snow-Allen, died.

Because he had his powers back he travelled back in time seeking to save her. But it seemed that he always failed she always died no matter what he did. In one timeline she was even his enemy, someone who calls herself as Killer Frost. And he could no longer take it, each time he looses Caitlin he dies more inside, and he feels so old and tired but he couldn't let her go either.

And he just knew, knew that he wasn't allowed to have her. That he wasn't allowed to be selfish with her, because even though he had super powers there were forces far greater than him, such as fate, destiny and time.

And so he run back in time again, vowing it will be his last, he needed to get back to his original timeline because there Caitlin survived, there she lived even if she wasn't his.

And he did it, magnificently!

But it hurt seeing her, knowing he could never be that close, feeling awkward and defensive around her, afraid that she would find out the truth. And it hurt seeing her look at Ronnie's picture with the same sad and longing look he has for her.

But he faked his smiles, because he's an expert at pretending to be okay, of being someone else, someone who people needed because he's done it for Iris before and now he'll do it for Caitlin. He's used to wearing masks after all, all the heroes does this to hide their vulnerability.

And as Caitlin says her vows and kisses Ronnie, he thinks he must just die from all the pain he was harboring inside. He was fighting every fibre in his body because he feels he might just cause a scandal that he'll surely regret when he gains back his clear head.

He cannot tell anybody that he knows. Seeing alternate worlds, living in different worlds and having his powers was both a blessing and a curse.

He has tasted its sweetness and all its bitterness. He can have anything, everything and nothing at all. He can have his cake, eat it and spit it out in a paradox that he still does not fully understand.

All he knows is that it might take centuries and he would still wonder the endless what-ifs. Sometimes he wishes he could go back, wishes he could kiss her and drag her off, because seriously she was his freaking wife!

But when he sees Caitlin smile, alive, happy and safe...even if it hurts him for the rest of his life...he would stay in this timeline.

Because having Caitlin with him was better than not having her at all.

If letting her go means having her, then he's more than willing to do it. But if God was real, he'd rip his heart out so he wouldn't feel anything at all.

After the wedding Caitlin notices that sad look on Barry's face and slips her fingers through his and squeezes in a comforting manner.

"Barry are you alright?" She asks him and he sighs.

"Yes, I am...it's just that weddings have this effect on me," He doesn't tell her it reminds him of her and everything he's lost and had to give up just to gain a fraction of it back.

"I know," Caitlin says knowingly and smile at him, "Don't worry you'll get your happy ending too, it's bound to happen." She tells him and gestures at Iris who was talking with Eddie amicably and his heart aches, because she doesn't know, and he couldn't tell her that, but he smiled at her willing the tears to be kept at bay. Because really, he should smile.

"I'll wait Caitlin, fate can't be that cruel to me." And she smiles and kisses my cheek in friendly comfort and envelops me in a hug, even in this timeline she still smells the same, "Thanks for being here Barry. You know, you've given me a purpose to live again, you are an important person to me and I'm glad you made it here." Barry smiles at her then, wondering if this was the last time he'd allow himself to think of her as his, his Caitlin because he finally understood heroes like him don't get the girl.

"I'll be there for you Caitlin, anytime I'll be there in a flash."

And she laughs genuinely.

And he thinks that it was all worth it. Missing his chance with her, missing her by his side, because at least she wasn't missing in his life.

But more than the pain of asking what ifs was the pain of actual Knowing.

And now that he knows, he's certain he will never forget.

Dr. Caitlin Snow-Allen, yeah, that was his favourite byline.

...

..

.

 **Fin.**

* * *

 **An:** Tell me what you think and your finale theories. Love you guys! I'll sleep now. I apologize for all the errors didn't have time to proofread.

 **Review.**


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